Three IBM Engineers and three Microsoft Employees are traveling by train to
a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft Employees each buy
tickets and watch as the three IBM Engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft
Employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the IBM Engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft Employees take their respective
seats but all three IBM Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft Employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft Employees decide to copy the IBM
Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,
and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the IBM Engineers don't buy a ticket
at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Microsoft Employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers a IBM Engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft Employees cram into a restroom
and the three IBM Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the IBM Engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the Microsoft Employees are hiding. He knocks on
the door and says, "Ticket, please."
TOP 10 SEXY LINES FROM STAR WARS
10)"Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9)"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8)"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7)"You've got something jammed in here real good."
6)"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5)"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4)"Sorry about the mess..."
3)"Look at the size of that thing!"
2)"Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1)"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
TOP 10 SEXY LINES FROM THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
10)"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9)"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8)"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7)"But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
6)"That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5)"Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4)"I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like that, huh kid?"
3)"Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2)"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1)"Control, control! You must learn control!"
TOP 10 SEXY LINES FROM RETURN OF THE JEDI
10)"Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9)"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call
me master."
8)"You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
7)"I never knew I had it in me."
6)"Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle
of Taanab."
5)"There is good in him, I've felt it."
4)"I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.
3)"Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping - hold on. Grab it, almost...you
almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"
2)"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me - now I owe you one."
1)"Back door, huh? Good idea!"
TOP 10 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION...
10.No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9.Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8.Beer has never caused a major war.
7.They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6.When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to
give it away.
5.Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.
4.You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second
3.There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2.You can prove you have a Beer.
1.If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you
stop.
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10.Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends
9.Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way
8.I think hairy butts are really sexy
7.Hey, get a whiff of that one
6.Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
just too cute
5.This diamond is way too big
4.I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow
3.Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2.Does this make my butt look to small?
1.I'm wrong, you must be right again
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10.I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker
9.While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8.I think hairy butts are really sexy
7.Her tits are just too big
6.Sometimes I just want to be held
5.That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody
4.Sure I'd love to wear a condom
3.We haven't been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can hold
your purse
2.Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown
1.I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Cop When Your Pulled Over
10)Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9)Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8)I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7)On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6)You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5)Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4)Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3)How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2)Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1)I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a
3 for 1 special!
Since this list, other files have passed around. Below are some definite
candidates for things NOT to say to a cop when pulled over:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me -- Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific, the last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman
walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of
Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies
landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer
and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it
out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT
IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette
with a satisfied smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking a
bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess
we answered THAT question!"
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the
following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carton --
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned
out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets
and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer
asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone
down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying
to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told
Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you
meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then
removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the
computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened
when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and
pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot
pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am
within my warranty period. How do I go about
getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my
computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped,
it's because I am. Did you receive this as
part of a promotional, at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have
any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it
off the drive!
The NSA, the CIA and the FBI are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.
The NSA goes into the forest. They place animal informants
throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral
witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations,
they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit
and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The FBI goes in. They come out just two hours later with a
badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a
rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a
nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was
recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have
the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
A CIA officer was interviewing 3 candidates for an open position.
He explained to each of them, "In the next room is your mother. Take this
gun, enter the room, and kill her."
The first candidate became pale and quickly declared he simply
couldn't do such a thing. The officer thanked him for his time
and excused him.
The second candidate took the gun and went into the room. Ten minutes
passed with no sound or anything. Finally, he came out without shooting
his mother. He told the officer he simply couldn't do it and left.
The third candidate took the gun and briskly walked into the room.
Seconds later three shots blasted out from the room. Shortly after
a scuffle ensued inside the room. The officer looks surprised and just
as he is about to go in, the man walks out. "What idiot put blanks in
the gun?! I ended up having to strangle her!"
The officer cooly replied, "you're hired".
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NewMessiah@ididitmyway.com
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